Lately on Facebook I have seen posts with mention of miscarriages and the dates they happened as far back as 1998 and I wonder why? I miscarried my only boy between Dana and Becky. I can not recall the date only that mulberries were ripe. That and the hospital label of spontaneous abortion. I mourned the lost but not as I would have had it been still born or lost after several years of being a living part of me. I do not down these women most of whom have living children but wonder how they can mourn what God felt he needed to call back because it could not fully have his gift of life. Reading these posts puzzles me and I wonder am I less of a mother because I do not or rather did not do so.
I am a reality type person, and I live in that reality. I do not miss things that have gone from my life( people yes. often want to share some joke with mom or see a movie with dad) Content with each day I live I do not fret and worry much about past or future. I enjoy what I have through his Grace. I delight in the things He allows me to enjoy--- a sunset, my dogs snoring, my grandchildren on Facebook, time with friends and students, a quiet night, a good joke. Small moments of joy and oceans of contentment define me. there is no diva in De Vries.
Christmas causes me to reflect. It is the end of another year. Can I wish things different? Maybe but will that make it so? NO. I can plan to repair what I can but then I must let go and let God. The future same operational mode. Do I wish my kids were closer? Yes. Can I make it happen? NO. so I enjoy whatever time I have with them in whatever manner of communication we share. AM I less of a mother or grandmother because of that? I hope not but it is really their decision not mine and I can not make it for them.So once again I am content and life moves on. St.Francis of Asissi's prayer says it all. Accept what I can not change